Anxious

I've been feeling at loose ends lately.

I have been letting things pile up. My corner of the house is a mess of papers, things that need to be read and attended to. Sort of a visual to do list, and it reached the point where I didn't want to pick it up. I spent a good ten minutes looking for my checkbook the other day. It was in plain sight, but blended in all too well with the strewn paper backdrop.

The first step is always the hardest.

I went for my first run since the marathon this morning. With no event forcing me to get out there, I took more time than I needed to rest my Achilles tendon. Every morning, I talked myself out of going out, and then I just forgot I should be running by now. Fell out of the habit.

I haven't written anything toward the new book since I set it down in November. I have been occupying my mind with small bits of promotion for Share the Road, which is more exciting than the actual hard work of writing. I finally sat my butt down and picked up the loose thread in the chapter. It was only 500 words or so, but it was a start.

I was listening to an interview with Haile Gebrselassie while running this morning. He is an amazingly accomplished runner, having held world records in distances from 1500 meters all the way to the marathon. But the connection was a little poor and I found it difficult to understand unless I really concentrated. So my mind drifted.

The kaleidoscope of images running through my brain pushed out the voices in my headphones, and I chose not to look at the watch at my wrist that was counting off time in hundredths of miles. I kept my eyes on the horizon rather than slumped over on the road. I might otherwise have missed the guy enthusiastically air-drumming to the song in his head, as he dropped his hands to his side as he heard me approach.

I am coming up on a few mile markers on the calendar and it set me to reflect on the past couple of years. I have done a few things that are both amazing in the moment, yet rather ordinary in the grand scheme of things. Most times I don't know how to feel about it all, and I didn't come to any epiphanies this morning.

Work is always a bit up in the air. We work from job to job, so the schedule is never the same. It is more at loose ends right now because Marci's due date was yesterday. For the past week they have been convinced that the baby was coming that evening. Then the next evening. It is hard to plan work, because Sean doesn't want to be fifty miles away when she goes into labor. Every evening for a week, Sean has said, "Well, I probably won't see you tomorrow." But each day he is there, ready to dash off when he gets the call.

Nearly half a million babies are born each day. It is at once the most ordinary and natural thing. But it will be nothing short of amazing, and life will never be quite the same. And at this point, the waiting is probably the hardest part. They just want to get started.